Premarital cohabitation is very much still a hot topic, especially here in the South, where we’re still hanging on to the last loop on the Bible belt. It’s communally known as “shacking up” and everyone knows what it means. You’re “living in sin” because you’re living with your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancé(e) and you’re committing a sin against God; you’re not upholding your responsibilities as a Christian and defiling your body before God. Let me make a quick confession: My husband and I lived together before we were married. Living together is not the sin. I don’t (completely) regret doing it…I am actually glad that we did it. It opened our eyes to a lot of things about each other and helped us to really test our compatibility in a pressure cooker.
But I wouldn’t recommend it to others.
Is living together before marriage a sin?
Here’s the truth about premarital cohabitation. Living together isn’t a sin, but shacking up is. Differentiation is often found when you close your doors. Shacking up is defined and described as:
- casually moving in with someone you regularly hit the sheets with
- Couples who live together (often while having sex) and are not married
- Regularly hitting the sheets with someone you are not dating
- to live together as spouses without being legally married
- to have illicit sexual relations
Why do people think it’s wrong to live together before you’re married?
Well, the issue is not living together, but the sin of fornication (1 Thes 4:3-4). Fornication has always been rampant and it was just easier for our parents and grandparents to fuss at us about putting ourselves in situations that were presumed to increase the chances of hooking up versus actually dealing with the real issue. And contrary to some beliefs, a shared house is not the only place where couples can get hot and steamy, so fussing about living together is only the beginning of the conversation.
The Bible doesn’t actually say anything about living together before marriage but it speaks consistently about purity and keeping your body as a Holy temple. When the Scriptures don’t speak about one thing explicitly, we are to use the commands and guidance left for us to deduce the appropriate response. How does this apply to “shacking up” or moving in together before the wedding?
What does the bible say about immorality?
“Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” (1 Cor 6:18)
Our enemy is on the prowl. He’s out to get people on his team and he’s aggressively pursuing those who are already #TeamJesus. Baptism grants you an indwelling measure of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit and sin cannot exist in the same place. Your body is the temple where the Holy Spirit resides. When you open yourself to sin (opening your legs, spewing sin through your words, letting sinful thoughts into your ears and mind) the Holy Spirit is like Nah, I can’t be here right now… and *throws deuces*. You open yourself to sin and the punishment of sin to enter in because you have no spiritual protection left. You have to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23) and your mind (1 Peter 1:13; Rom 12:2) and your eyes (Psalm 101:3) so if living with your intended before bands are in place breaks down your guards, then rethink that.
Why is this such a hard decision?
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.” (1 Peter 4:12)
This Scripture speaks about suffering for being a Christian, but as it applies to this situation, here is a common-sense interpretation: You jumped into the pot, so don’t be surprised that the water is hot! Can you resist his beard? Can you resist her curves? If the answer is anything other than a resounding “YES!” then maybe you shouldn’t move in before you’re married. It’s very easy to say that you can resist temptation but actions speak much louder than words. To thine own self be true…you know what your temptations and weaknesses are. Putting yourself into a situation and then being caught off guard by all of the decisions you have to make in the interest of your salvation is difficult, at best. You can’t be mad at anyone but yourself when the water bill goes up because someone is running a cold shower every other hour…
What am I risking by living together before marriage?
“Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,…” (1 Cor 6:19)
How much do you really love your S.O.? When we were cohabitating, it was hard to resist sexual temptation. But I had to do it. I had to consider how much I loved him. Like, love loved him. I knew that I loved him enough to not condemn his soul. All I could think about was the “what-ifs?” What if we gave in and he died in his sleep? What if we hooked up and I died in a car accident the next day? My friends laughed at my obsession with death, but I had to be spiritually realistic about it. No man knows the time or the hour and we didn’t want to take away our salvation or put ourselves in a place where we didn’t have the chance to repent. If he was going down, it wasn’t going to be because of me! Remember Eph 5:5
but what if living together is the only option for me?
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Cor 10:13)
What is the floor plan of your dwelling? Is it a loft-style apartment that calls for you to be in close contact every moment? Do you have separate rooms on opposite sides of the house? How many pillows do you own? Being completely transparent, when we lived together pre-marriage, there were times that he did sleep in the bed with me, but we didn’t cuddle. We didn’t even hold hands. I often slept directly on the mattress because I needed a little extra barrier that night.
Living together is not the sin.
Arrangements don’t necessarily restrict the temptations you face. We survived our ordeal of living together with our salvation…and a little bit of our sanity…intact. I don’t know if we would make the same decision if we went back in time, but we know in the midst of it all, we always make sure that we know what’s most important in our relationship…our responsibility to, and relationship with, Christ.
I still don’t know if we should live together before marriage…
If you’re still wrestling with the idea of whether or not premarital sex is something in which you should engage, check out this book from Rob Kowalski called Why Waiting Works (referral link) to get a deeper understanding of why it’s worth it to wait before you have sex before marriage.
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My husband and I stayed together while we were planning our wedding, but she slept in separate rooms. Did we get tempted? Yes all the time. Did we fail? Yes quite a few times. But I believe if your living together with no intentions on getting married then yes you shouldn’t be shacking up. If your planning your wedding it is a good idea to see the other person’s habits before hand. I have no regrets. I got to see my husband habits and deal with them before we said I do.
Absolutely! I think it’s a good idea to live together before marriage for that reason, but on the contrary, I wouldn’t recommend it to just anyone. Not everyone is strong enough to handle that situation and those temptations. As Christians, we are not to put ourselves in situations where we would be tempted, but sometimes we do what we wanna do and then wonder why stuff happens…lol
It is not a good idea to live together. There is nothing good about it other than doing things before they due to be done.
It’s not a good idea to have sex before marriage, regardless of your living arrangements. Although the focus is on the admission that I lived with my husband before marriage, there is a complete dismissal of the fact that we abstained from sex. We were more holy living together than we were living apart. Focus on the message of maintaining sexual purity, regardless of where you lay your head at night.
The scriptures say to abstain from the appearance of evil and also flee temptation living together is a violation of these commands. Make no provision for the flesh
The only thing I learned about my husband while we were engaged and living together was that he was a great actor. I learned more about my new fiance by spending quality time with him and learning the WORD, not living together.
Sadly, that happens. Doing what you’re doing is a fantastic way to get to know your partner. Be sure to continue that practice when you get married ❤️
It’s funny that all Christian doctrines say fornication means sex before marriage. Nowhere in the bible does it say that NOR does it say not to live with the person you will marry…it speaks of sexual immortality and says we should abstain from that…if one person can show me where the bible says fornication MEANS do not have sex before marriage, I will stand corrected. I mean dont show me scriptures that say something else and than interpret it by inserting your own opinion of that scripture means. Show me where God says that. As well, explain the live of Solomon and David and the many women they had and where he says he hates them because of their sin of “fornication”
Fornication is defined as “voluntary sexual intercourse between two unmarried persons or two persons not married to each other.” As the word wasn’t actually in existence until the 14th century, it’s not likely to be included in the original Aramaic texts. The textual definition of the English etymology also encompasses adultery. The Bible does indeed speak to purity (both sexual and nonsexual). As language has evolved the word and concepts have merged together and have become synonymous with each other. If you’re looking for scriptures that speak to sexual purity, this post may help: https://beingyoked.com/verses-answer-sex-before-marriage/.
The Bible says: leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife….so all the shacking-up believes who want to compromise, and say the Bible doesn’t address it, are misleading themselves away from the truth. You are not a wife, until you are a wife, and vice versa. We fall to such Babylonians mindsets to justify living our way and not God’s way.
We have argued about the “sin” of living together for generations, hence the purpose of this post. Many people engage in premarital sex and go back to their respective homes. Fornication is not restricted to living arrangements. It’s much easier to argue about the sanctity of a street address than it is to examine the condition of the heart, irrespective of where that heart resides.
We will always find some way to justify that which we want to do. Christians need to be concerned with how their actions are perceived by others. If you’re living together, people will assume a sexual relationship. At this point you are sending the wrong message to unbelievers and believers alike. There are many reasons people could use to justify living together. In the end it is just another way of “conforming to the patterns of this world.” We should be unique, set apart, different in all we do. We should be a light to those around us, not dancing on the edge of darkness. You don’t have to live with someone to learn who he/she is. Cohabitation is a relatively new phenomena in the church – evidence of cultural norms creeping into the church.
I don’t disagree with you. I recently found out (like a week ago!) that my husband was almost shunned by our church because we were living together. When he made it clear that we weren’t engaging in premarital sex, the only argument left was how our arrangements looked to other people. That is an important factor as leaders in a church, for sure. But the heart of the matter…and the point of this post…is that the condition of the heart is what matters. We can bark at people all day long about how things look and what people should or shouldn’t do but, while we can’t see behind closed doors, God can. We are accountable to Him in all things, both seen and unseen. And while living together may not be the most reasonable thing for Christians to do in trying to maintain sexual and spiritual purity, we should be more concerned with the commission of sin than we are with the optics of opinions.
Amen!!! It’s sad how the author is twisting God’s word to feel comfortable with sin. We are no to make peace with sin but flee from it. We don’t get to make the rules… God does! And we are to love, trust and obey! Put God first!!!
As the author, I didn’t twist God’s words nor am I comfortable with sin. You are free to not like how I say something but I definitely didn’t say that sin was ok. My story is an example of what real, flawed people encounter and have to address. It’s a stretch to say that I’m comfortable with sin when you’re unfamiliar with my sense of sarcasm or my ability to get to the root of the matter without the fluff. People do a lot of things out of sight of man and think that it’s ok because they can’t be called out for it. God does truly see all that we do. I can guarantee that I was more in line with God’s word when I lived with my boyfriend and abstained from sexual immorality than I was when we lived in separate apartments and had sex before we went home.
Hello maam,
I have something to ask for help related to this topic and would like to to connect with you through email or fb messenger. Hope to know how I could reach you. Thank you.
Hi! I sent you an email. Thank you for contacting me and I look forward to speaking with you 🙂
Hello my name is Faith I would like to connect with you about this topic because I’m thinking about marriage to a man that I’m in love and hes inl ove with me I know for sure but I would like to talk with you
Hi Faith! I would be happy to speak with you. Email me at beingyoked@gmail.com
With living together…..if you have to live together before marriage and it’s because one is in between jobs, least is up on their apartment, getting married in a few weeks and or months is not sufficient enough to live together…..guess that’s why the church “Us” is catching a bad wrap….we’re doing resoundingly everything the world is, but we can sprinkle it with grace…..living together to get to learn and know of each other against biblical principle….Remember, “For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? If you cannot afford to live on your own, stay at home until you can afford it and lets not bring anymore indictments against the body of Christ…Shalom
Some people can’t live together because of the temptation of sin. Some people don’t live together because of the appearance of sin. People of the opposite sex live together for a myriad of reasons. Living with someone of the same sex is no longer an safeguard against premarital sex. I agree that we should not get caught up in looking like the world. It’s important that we are concerned with actual behaviors more than we are with appearances. People will make decisions that don’t look like what others expect. We’re not going to be judged on what we look like on the outside, but what our hearts and intentions are. I don’t condone living together, although this was my story. It’s important that people in a relationship are more focused on honoring God by not engaging in premarital sex, rather than where they lay their heads at night.
Amen
Hello thanks for your vlog i am planning to get engaged to my gf a month after we move in. Abstaining from sex for almost a year now. Stepmom is making me feel convicted, but personally i feel good about my decision and i do not feel like we will be living in sin as we have been able to abstain this long so far. I enjoyed your vlog, but if u have any thoughts please comment!
If you’re feeling convicted and think that you may not be able to continue to abstain, listen to that voice. That’s the Holy Spirit. The temptation that we experienced when we lived together before marriage was real. It was incredibly hard to resist because we were so easily accessible to each other. The thing that kept us strong was loving each other enough to put eternal salvation over satisfaction. If we’d had premarital sex and something happened to him, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for the condemnation of his soul…and vice versa. If you feel like you can’t resist, especially after your engagement, consider living apart. Too often people think that engagement is pretty much married, but it’s not. An engagement isn’t a covenant. I wish you the best on your engagement and pray that you both can continue to abstain <3
I would really like to get in touch with u about a similar issue how can I get in contact with u
Hi Monica! You may email me at beingyoked@gmail.com. I look forward to speaking with you 🙂
I’m not sure I agree with ‘testing the water’ / living together to know a person a certain way before getting married. It’s not like a car that you test drive and give back if you don’t like it. Hopefully the decision to marry the person is not based on their personal home habits.
I think it panders to what ‘we’ want rather than what God wants.
God asks us to *flee* from sexual immorality, not to get as close as possible without getting burnt.
Purity is a position of your heart. It sounds like the typical question of ‘how far is too far’ – how about flipping that to how pure can we walk / how best can we honor God in our relationships. I don’t think God is more honored in living together before marriage., than in waiting until marriage.
I don’t actually recommend that people live together before marriage. This is the story about a decision I made in my own life. I agree with purity and the stance that we should flee from sexual immorality. That’s actually the intention of the article. Society seems to be very focused on semantics and appearances, not what is at the heart of the issue. My story is that people who knew my living situation were very concerned with where he and I slept at night but gave no encouragement in maintaining our sexual purity because they felt that if we didn’t spend the night with each other, we wouldn’t be able to have sex with each other. The focus is that living arrangements are not the actual sin, but the condition of the heart and not engaging in premarital sex should be the concern of unmarried individuals. Publishing this post has been a great opportunity to share that message because, behind the scenes, I have been able to discourage more people from living together before marriage. Thank you for your comment!
This is extremely unwise council. You sited 1 Corinthians 6, but then disregard that fleeing is an action one must take. You communicated how serious sexual sin is and yet you stayed living under the same roof even though eternity was at stake! You kept making jokes about his beard as if there is temptation there. You did not “have to resist” that temptation you could have easily avoided by not being there. It is unbelievable that you would consider sleeping in the same bed together before marriage. You speak of “knowing thy self”, but do you not know that the heart is deceitful above all else (Jeremiah 17:9)? Do you truly expect to know yourself so well that you can spot even the unintentional sins? There was actually a sacrifice to those in the old testament.
I agree with Damon Thompson above. I do realize that one must make a decision when dealing with questions that are not clearly answered in scripture, but please do not forget historical context. Your actions would have left you rejected, whether or not you actually did anything. Do you say there is no sin in you? If so you are deceived and the truth is not in you (1 John 1:8). We are not to be conformed to the image of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing we are to discern what is the will of God, what is good, and acceptable, and perfect (Romans 12:1-2).
You were not married and had no right to hold fast to one another in that way. Why not simply live in other places? You mentioned that temptation can come whether or not you live together, are the same sex, etc. If this is true than you take safe guards against all such situations. I please with anyone else who is reading this to please consider another path. You may even ruin a future relationship simply based on the appearance of immorality. Also, the bible does not speak specifically to many things that we should not do none the less. Look to whether or not that was an acceptable practice among Jews or Christians during and shortly after the time of Jesus. Looking at all of the letters to the churches I believe we can conclude that this is unwise at best and rebellion at worst.
I don’t actually recommend that people live together before marriage. Publishing this post has been a great opportunity to share that message because, behind the scenes, I have been able to discourage more people from living together before marriage. I made a decision that I wouldn’t have made twice because of the temptation that existed. We were able to abstain because we loved each other enough to not risk each other’s salvation for sexual gratification. Not everyone is able to do that. The actual intention of the article is to share that living arrangements are not the actual sin, but that the condition of the heart and not engaging in premarital sex should be the concern of unmarried individuals. Society seems to be very focused on semantics and appearances, not what is at the heart of the issue. My story is that people who knew my living situation were very concerned with where he and I slept at night but gave no encouragement in maintaining our sexual purity because they felt that if we didn’t spend the night with each other, we wouldn’t be able to have sex with each other.
I considered not giving so many details of my situation but that would not be my truth. I wrote this with full transparency. I’ve never been a person who is afraid to share my sins, faults, and failures if they can help someone avoid the same pitfalls. There are a myriad of reasons why couples end up living together. This message is for those who are in that situation and struggling with this particular temptation. Those who contacted me privately and asked how to handle similar situations have been given the guidance that they should avoid living together if they can possibly help it. Thank you for your comment!
This post from June 21st made me so angry. It is not your job to condemn or judge any person based on their actions, but instead show love and grace to those who could be on a path to destruction. That being said, if you’ll read the article she wrote, it is clear that both of their intentions were in the pursuit of living a life worthy of Christ- who died on the cross for our past, present, and future sins. He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and lead us not into temptation.
She was so open about her relationship with her husband and with Christ. I imagine that as they were living together before they got married, there was a lot of soul searching and praying and clinging to the Lord. Although living together places you in a situation that Satan can influence, so does living in this world at all.
Please understand that although living together before marriage might be a temptation barrier, it is not impossible for with God anything is possible.
It is a matter of morality. The question is not “should we or should we not” but rather “Do I love God enough? Can I choose God over my sin?”and THAT is what will lead you into salvation.
Thank you so much for your reply and support. It was incredibly hard for us to live righteously in our situation but our love for Christ and that love for each other is what ultimately kept us from falling. I don’t live my life pretending that I’m perfect or that I’ve done everything right the first time. Anyone who says that they’ve never stumbled is lying to themselves and creating a larger stumbling block to those who do struggle and are looking for the same grace that has been extended to others. You’re right…this article is about learning to choose God over sin, no matter the situation or location ❤️
My God, thank you for sharing and speaking the truth. Today’s Christians are so weak in the faith it’s sad. Everyone wants to be fed a bunch of sugar and a the WDV (watered down version). I don’t know about anyone else but I love the uncut Word of God even though it hurts sometimes. God bless you all in Jesus Mighty Name
I loved this post! It was truly relatable and insightful. As with many modern issue not adressed in the Bible, we must seek God and follow our convictions. To those who comment how this is living in sin just because we are so close to temptation: you must live in a bubble. There is temptation all around us in everydayife, and its up to us as Christians to gold on to our faith and live our lives pleasing to God. Our phonea, TVs, computers, radios, books, movies all tempt us to sin and we have that around us everywhere we go. To marry someone just because you can’t control yourself isnt righteous. Living together or not before marriage still requires a commitment to remain pure. GOD BLESS YOU Katherine.
I whole heartedly agree! Being able to show restraint regardless of living arrangements go a long way in helping to maintain the sanctity of covenant relationships in the long run. Thank you so much for that, Lisa <3
God made us to be attracted to each other, so yea, it would be so hard, no matter how strong you are, to live with the one you’re gonna marry and not have sex. Why would you risk it? Plus, we are to set an example to the world around us, they see Christians, unmarried living together, they won’t believe that nothing is going on behind those doors before the wedding. That would ruin the witness you have. I’ll probably get roasted for these comments, but just think about it. You want to be seen as different. Set apart. My mom and stepdad lived together for 3 months before they got married, mom and I slept in my room, pop in the big bedroom. No sex going on. I asked mom when I got older why they did it and she said she needed to get out of the apartment bills. I asked her if she’d thought about what it looked like to the outside world. She’s a strong Christian woman and thought it would be fine, but didn’t think about how it would affect how others saw her walk with the Lord. We are to be set apart. Different. Sure, with some things it shouldn’t matter what others think, but when the lost see us, they need to see Christ in us, in as much as we can show them. We aren’t perfect, my decisions are far from it. We just have to be aware of how our decisions will reflect how Christ shows through us.
Jo, you may be surprised to hear this but…I agree 🙂 I’m not advocating that people live together before marriage. This is my story. My husband and I lived together for a short time before marriage. We didn’t have sex. BUT we were aware of what it would look like to other people if they knew we lived together, so it wasn’t something that we broadcasted. The few people who knew helped to keep us accountable. The point of this post is that no matter what it looks like to the rest of the world, your responsibility to Christ is to keep yourself sexually pure. People don’t have to live together to have premarital sex. The point of the matter is that your living arrangements are not the sin, but your actions behind closed doors are what you have to answer for. Thank you for your comment!
Hello Beloved!
I would so love to discuss a personal situation with you regarding this message – it is a story with so many twists and turns drawn by God’s loving hand, and now a new opportunity to begin again. I have questions and would love some support and a second opinion. Could I contact you? Thank you! <3
Hi Brookelynn! Absolutely contact me! I may be reached at beingyoked@gmail.com.
Thank you for writing this article! I appreciate your perspective on living together before marriage. I have done a lot of research on this particular matter and most of what I have read has been opposed to it, and condemning toward it.
My boyfriend and I do live together, we have felt great guilt about our sexual immoral actions and are trying our best to resist the temptation we have placed in front of us by living together. We plan to get married; we hope to soon of we grow more financially stable and able to.
For now we are reaching out to God to have His way in us; in order to lay the foundation of our marriage upon Him, we must listen to Him and obey his commands.
Thank you for the encouragement that it IS POSSIBLE with God to wait and it is worth it.
You’re so welcome! I’ll keep you in my prayers that you continue to be strong and lean upon God to make wiser decisions. Your salvation will always be the most precious thing and it’s worth the fight. That kind of love for each other is absolutely worth the wait and should fuel the decision to abstain before marriage.
Hi Katherine,
I hope you can help. I like this article you wrote, but still disagree. For many years now, I have argued that living together is not a sin. I completely agree that fornication, adultery, and sexual immorality as a whole is in fact sinning though. I think the confusion has come from the fact that “The Wedding Ceremony” and “Marriage” was blended together and mandated by the Roman Catholic church for practical reasons a long time. No where in the bible though, is it implied that a marriage is not a marriage without having a wedding. Or does it? So far, no one has been able to prove this to me, which God knows I pray someone would. Of course there are plenty of examples of weddings happening throughout the bible, but absolutely no statements or commandment stating the rule or law of it. The only statement that I see as a guideline or rule, is in Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
I remember my cousin getting married but living at his dad’s place with his new wife and telling me that I was a sinner for living together with whom I considered my wife. My reply to him was, “read Genesis 2:24 and tell me who the sinner is”.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that a wedding is a very nice tradition, especially now that it is more about the romanticism of it rather that only for practicality of it like it was thought of in ancient times. Nonetheless, that is all it is, a tradition.
I know couples that have been living together for more than 20 years, have children, grand children, and have never cheated on each other. Are they sinners? or are they a married couple? Will God condemn them, even though they lived holy as one and praise him together, and even taught their descendants to love God and accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I really don’t believe so. But I could be wrong! Your input and response would greatly be appreciated.
Hi Arod,
I had to do a bit of research and contemplation before I was able to reply. So, dealing with the aspect of weddings, there are examples of Jesus attending a wedding (John 2) and there are numerous references to women being given to men in marriage. What I think you’re questioning has to do with something that is contextually implied in Scripture. Marriage in Scripture was mostly about property rights, so it was required to be legally married. Even in Biblical times, living with a person of the opposite sex was not allowed because there was no legal marriage; the situation brought shame upon a woman’s family and negated her bride-price.
The Scriptures also deal directly with circumstances of divorce…which are not applicable or relevant to anyone who is not married. Luke 16:18 is a Scripture that discusses adultery through/after divorce. Those conditions are not applicable to one who is unmarried BUT fornication is still a condition applicable toward sex outside of marriage. Hebrews 13:4, 1 Corinthians 7:8-9, and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 speak to the sin of sex before marriage.
As all of this relates to modern day Christianity, women in Eastern Christianity are no longer “paid for” as it was done in Biblical times. But for all of our laws, which Romans 13:1-2 addresses, we are granted certain rights through marriage. Some laws have been amended to allow rights in Common Law marriage but it is not Biblical/Scriptural marriage. A common law marriage is something that people who have lived together for a long time consider themselves to be married, but it is not a covenant marriage before God. Couples who are in common law marriages are not in a marriage recognized as a covenant marriage before God. People have the right to live the way that they want to but you make a choice. Being a Christian requires us to follow the laws that God has provided for us.
To answer your question directly: if they are practicing Christians and are living together, unmarried, then they are living in sin. If they are not Christians, then all of the laws that God has outlined is not applicable to them. God will hold them accountable for those decisions in His judgement. Marriage is not about romanticism, regardless of how much we want to make it about romance. Marriage is a servant ministry that is the earthly representation of God’s relationship with us and all that it involves.
Hope that helps!
I just came across this article and find it very interesting! I have a similar situation that I’d like to discuss in private. Could I contact you somehow?
Hi Rochelle!
Yes, you may email me at beingyoked@gmail.com.
Say you get your married license and have a license Preacher marrie you but don’t turn the license in are you still married in Gods eyes
This actually happened to someone I know. No, you’re not legally married if the paperwork was not turned in. Because we are commanded to obey the laws of the land in Romans 13:2, not following the laws that say you’re married does not say you’re married in God’s eyes.
I loved this! I moved in with my boyfriend almost a year ago and while we have continued to abstain sexually, I still feel deep convictions with it. There is always the debate over if the real issue with cohabiting is whether or not you are able to resist the temptation of sex, and my boyfriend and I are actually on opposite sides of it. I feel as though we’ve dealt with things emotionally that should be sacred to marriage. It’s an ongoing struggle for me! I appreciate you being so candid in your story, and I can say I completely agree with you. Did I live with my S.O. before we were married? Yes. Are we both relentlessly pursuing the Lord while abstaining from sex? Yes. And while I don’t live in regret, would I recommend cohabitation to my other Christian friends? Definitely not. Thanks again for sharing, I hope those that look upon us in judgement will realize that we are all individuals pursuing God, each with a different journey to salvation. Jesus calls us to love and lift each other up as brothers ans sisters of Christ!
Thank you so much for your comment Lauren! I know that a lot of people don’t necessarily agree with what I have to say on the issue, but for me it’s more about grace and repentance. I know a lot of us Christians find ourselves in situations that we never expected. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone for a myriad of reasons, but for those of us who are there, I want to help others through it with their salvation intact if I can ❤️
I don’t see the problem with although I wouldn’t recommend living together is for everyone God searches the heart the sin is the act of fornication not living together fornication can happen anywhere if a one really plans the act it’s about GRACE & God knows the heart we have to learn self control the bible says abstain from sexual impurity & that’s in any situation we face
Agreed!
I know I’m a little late to the game since this is almost a year old. But I was reading around because of the situation I’m currently in and how confused I feel. My boyfriend and I have been together, on and off, for about a year now. We dated for a bit in the spring, broke up for most of the summer, started dating again in the fall (but weren’t officially in a relationship) and finally got fully together in December. We were “staying” together through a lot of that time, not even for a sexual relationship, but because we loved each other and the company of each other. In late December I found out that I’m pregnant. I was scared at first, but both of us are excited. I come from a family of very strict Catholics and telling them about my pregnancy was incredibly difficult. They do not approve of the fact that we are living together, and think that we should live separately until married (we want to get married, but I want to get married in the Catholic Church and he has to complete his annulment process before that can happen). When I talk about the possibility of not living with him they are completely supportive and promise to be there for me in every way and have my back completely. Even if I continue to live with him, they aren’t going to cut me off or anything, but they will be extremely upset and disappointed. My boyfriend wants us to continue to live together so that we can be a family and he can be near me and the baby during the pregnancy and be there for us. He thinks that if I move out I will be breaking apart our family and destroying our relationship. I am torn. I want to live with him because I love having him there, and it is a relationship where we are looking towards marriage, but I was raised by my parents and I understand where they are coming from and I don’t want to disappoint them, but I’m also an adult and I can’t do something just because they want me to. I’m very lost right now. But thank you for your article.
Thank you so much for your response Joan. I will respond to you privately via email to discuss this a little more. Talk to you soon!
Fornication. You explained it superbly. I’ve been married 30 years. Six years ago my spouse became unable to have sex with me. Temptation is hard not to give into, especially when you know the other person. The other person is my sons biological father. We live in the same city. His wife presently has Alzheimer disease. We are friends. I guess I feel like approaching him because he’s familiar and we have history. I’ve been praying for strength. But I do miss that part of my marriage. My husband doesn’t seem to care whether my physical needs are met or not. How do I handle this?
Angel, thank you so much for your openness and honesty. The main thing to focus on here is that after you are married, sexually engaging with another person is not merely fornication but it is adultery. In the eyes of God, you would be breaking the covenant with your husband and causing another man to break his covenant with his wife. Head over to this article to read a little more: https://beingyoked.com/israel-houghton-wrong/.
Scripturally, please read and meditate on Exodus 20:14; Matt 5:32; Mark 10:11-12; Romans 7:2-3; Hebrews 13:4; and 1 Corinthians 6:18.
As far as your marriage is concerned, what is it that prevents your husband from being able to have intercourse? Is it a mental or physical thing? Have you spoken with any therapist, including a sex therapist? You may email me at beingyoked@gmail.com to answer these questions and continue the conversation.
The big picture issue is that this is your trial. Intimacy within a marriage is about more than sex. There will come a time in all of our lives when either we or our spouse are unable to engage in sexual intercourse for a myriad of reasons but the answer should be adjustment, not abandonment, from either party involved.
I hope that this helps.
Hello,
Hope you are well. A question please. I live with my partner, we are not married. For unmarried couple living together, can they receive the baptism in the Holy Spirit or not?
If no, what must we do. Also I am a smoker, will that stop me from geeting baptise in the Holy Ghost or not.
Will I need deliverance.
Thank you sister and God bless you and your family.
Hi Emeline,
Thank you for your question. This is a multi-layered inquiry so I will try to keep the response succinct. Receiving the Holy Spirit is available for everyone who chooses to follow the commandments of God and be baptized in Him {Acts 2:38}. The issue that will arise is that salvation is heavily intertwined with repentance and following the laws of God. If you’re going to continue walking in sin, are you practicing true repentance? To repent means to turn from one direction and go in another.
The same concept can be applied to smoking. Our bodies are the earthly temples for the housing of our spirit and it’s our responsibility to take care of it the best that we can. You can get baptized but you will be limiting the amount of time that the temple is available to house the spirit. 1 Cor 6:19-20 says “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
I hope this helps as you start to seek God and honor the life that He would have for you to live…one that glorifies Him.
What a great article. Real honest talk from someone who’s been there and knows the risks. It was refreshing. Thank you!
Thank you!
We live in a day and time – grace – whereby the people of God have been exceedingly blessed. We have the spirit of Christ living within, and have the propensity to desire holiness, and to be (in) holiness on a level never before experienced in human history. We can espouse “the heart of flesh” TODAY – every time we enjoin desire with actions – and be utterly mesmerized by the beauty of holiness.
And holiness desires ALL that Yahweh has given, and shuns anything less. In marriage, He has gifted the Church with the living expression of Christ loving the Church; and the Church emerging with a splendor and glory envied by the world.
Co-habitation is allowing temptation to “move in”, and – in essence – says about holiness, “This treasure doesn’t really need to be sheltered and tucked into a warm and savored place. It can be left outside with elements on a seasonal basis, and taken inside when its no longer comfortable to endure (like having to go outside on a cold morning to start the car).
Is the Church to settle with pampered flesh, or with the gift Christ gave: “the glory that excelleth” (II Corinthians 3:8 -11)
Patrick, I like your analogy. The Church should not settle with pampered flesh, as you state, but to be aware of all of the times when our salvation is “left out in the elements.” While temptation can present in every area of our lives, we should be less worried on what we perceive as sin (ex. living together before marriage) but more concerned about the sin of premarital sex itself. When we can teach about why we should avoid temptation and not fall into sin, we can teach about the ways that we can avoid it. Yes, we lived together before marriage, but the lesson learned is that our salvation is more important that our sexual desires…no matter the (living) situation. That’s the lesson. Thank you for your comment!
I’m in this same predicament. I’m posting so others can see also.
My situation is eating me up. Yes, we’ve engaged in premarital sex, but no longer do. We sleep in seperate bedrooms and are not tempted whatsoever. Although, he claims to be Christian, I tried to look over a lot hopung he’d grow. I don’t see any progress and don’t believe I want to get married any longer because he’s not rooted in biblical principles and order. I’ve been married twice before, and divorced for multiple reasons, plus adultry. I don’t want to make that mistake again if someone is not submitted to God first, and understand what love really is. That leaves a gap to be conditional and go off feelings and thoughts!
We moved together because we planned on getting married. Now, it doesn’t look like we’ll get there…
I don’t consider consider us as a couple any longer, but he does. Even though we’ve said we weren’t.
Due to finances, I’m just now getting to where I will be able to save to get my own place. It’s going to take awhile…
My question is, although I’ve considered living together was a sin, I started breaking it down last night about the actual biblical sin of fornication…
I knew about the shunning away from the very appearance of evil scripture and searched scripture to read further down. Can you give your thoughts?
Thank you
1 Thessalonians 5:22-24 King James Version (KJV)
22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.
23 And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it.
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation but I appreciate your transparency. Despite all appearances of this post, I don’t recommend that anyone live together before marriage. We did it and survived, but it’s not a situation that I would recommend anyone put themselves in; it was the hardest thing that we’ve ever done. Your story is the perfect example of why I wrote this. I am proud of you that you’ve ceased to fornicate and God certainly wants the best that He has for you. Sometimes we find ourselves in living arrangements that disturb our spiritual peace and find it much harder to get out of it. When we are stuck because of finances or home imbalance, we often have to make the best of the situation. And correct, we should not give the appearance of evil. When we had to answer for our living arrangement, we were open and transparent with God, with ourselves, and with other people. As far as that scripture, I think that it is more encompassing and directly correlates with Ephesians 4:31, NIV that says “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” These things are directly antithetical to what God teaches us that love is in 1 Cor 13.
As far as your decision to no longer want marriage with this man, I fully believe that the Holy Spirit is speaking to you. He has revealed that this is a man who is not after God’s own heart and this is an unequal yoke (2 Cor 6:14). Going forward, keep focusing on you and your relationship with Christ. Stand firm (1 For 16:13) in your decision that you are going to keep God first in your life and that your salvation is the most important thing. I know from experience that if you falter in your resolve, it will reinforce to him that you don’t mean what you say and that you’re lukewarm (Rev 3:16).
If the Spirit moves in him and makes him look and act more like Christ, then I would certainly recommend premarital counseling, even though you’ve been married before. I’ll pray for guidance and endurance for you in this and feel free to email me if you have any other questions.
I can relate to this on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your story and I keep wracking my brain and fighting my conscious, that the unfortunate circumstances I also got myself into. Is a mess and I am doing my best to work my way out of them. Finances and Living spaces are the biggest hurdle. I worry some times, I’m deceiving myself and actually on the path to hell. Yikes. I believe in Christ and have know Him and his word since I was a kid and have found myself in this big ugly situation. Wondering if I’m passive and too far gone to be rescued. The outside doesn’t match the inside.
I understand what you’re feeling and going through, to an extent; I don’t know your exact circumstances. I wrote this post because we found ourselves in a situation where we were living together and it was not feasible or practical at the time for him to move out. Once we realized that we were endangering our salvation, we had to make some difficult decisions. At the end of the day, for believers in Christ, our salvation is what matters.
I realized that I wasn’t the only one who had put themselves in a compromising situation that was not easy to leave. In all situations, just not living arrangements, we have to navigate them with our salvation in mind. As far as being too far to be rescued, I don’t believe that’s true. As long as you have breath in your body, salvation is available to you. In regards to being passive, that’s where you have to make a choice. The scripture that comes to mind is Revelations 3:15-16, where the letter is written to the Church of Laodicea and says “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth.”
There is no room for us to be passive in our faith and Christian walk. We are called to be separate from the world and that often calls for making decisions that seem irrational to everyone else. Listen to God and His instruction for what you should do. I’ll be in prayer for you.
Good morning,
I was looking up this topic specifically when I came across this article. The comments are probably more telling than the article itself. It is in my assessment that the author was not glorifying “shacking up,” but stating that the crux of the matter is not the living condition but the sin of fornication.
Are we to say that no one should leave their parent’s home until they get married out of it (as in some cultures) or not date at all before marriage to avoid fornication (as is in some other cultures). That would not be practical in all circumstances. What if a person have their own home, but their boyfriend comes over and they have sex, are they less in error than people living together? Come on man!
The ordinances of the Lord or clearly stated in the Gospel and Pauline and Catholic letters of the Church. People like to add their own “rules” that they can manage, and wag fingers at others who cannot.
With that being said, no one should use this article as a premise to fornicate under the guise that “we’re getting married soon” or a “test-run” to see if their partner’s living habits are tolerable or the sex is gonna be any good. Be doers of the word and not hearers only. We should not put ourselves in situations that may have us fall in sin. We should, as the author said, consider other peoples salvation in our decision making, and not create stumbling blocks for those who are not as strong. We should work on the fruits of the spirit; kindness, love, humility… All the other stuff is an avoidence of the core issues, the putting away of things that pollute us like hatred, envy, strife, gossiping… like the author expressed, not the objects.
Thank you so very much for your input, Haile! I sincerely appreciate your understanding of the conversation and your honest insight.
Hello, me and my boyfriend have been together for five years. We plan to stay together forever and get married. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he does as well. We consider ourselves a family. I’ve just recently found god, and I’m wondering what’s your thoughts on us still having a sexual relationship. Is it a sin to keep sleeping together if we have formed a family together?
Your goal should be too get married and plan to stay together forever, not in the inverse, as you’ve stated. Yes, sex outside of the covenant of marriage is considered a sin, regardless of your living arrangements or familial situation.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 admonishes “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 teaches “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; 4 that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable,…”
Having formed a family unit doesn’t absolve one of their Christian responsibilities; in this case, that would be to live a life that honors God in all facets of it.
Hi,
Your article helped me and I prayed and fasted about it. We stopped having sexual sin and sleep in different beds. No kissing, not even cuddling. God has really helped me grow. He is not as mature as I am in truth and I actually was about to move out and break up until
He brought up getting married. I prayed to God His will be done and I am about to talk to my parents next month about him wanting to meet them to ask for hand in marriage. Still not sure if I should just move out or wait? My prayer is to live for God forever. What would be your advice in this situation? I definitely wouldn’t do this again now that I know better. Gods mercy has preserved me forsure.
Hi Lilian! I am proud of your decision for repentance. Praise God! In your situation, if you still can, move out. The concern I would have is that the temptation would be too great for both of you, especially with the spiritual immaturity that you both face. The mere mention of marriage is not a commitment and you have yet to speak with your parents and move forward in an engagement. The distance between you will allow for revelations in your relationship and will give you both the space to get closer to God.
This article was very helpful. My fiancé isn’t Christian and I don’t know how I can explain this to him. I do want to live with him but I know we’ll both fail with temptation. I think it is important for him and I to live together so we can see each other’s routines and habits, but I also have strict Christian parents and they wouldn’t be pleased with my decision. I can either make them happy or make myself and him happy.
As a Christian young woman, your first priority should be pleasing God. Even when you’re married, you still have to please God in the way that you treat your husband. The fact that you recognize that you will both fail with temptation is where you should stop in that consideration. Going into marriage with someone who is not Christian will be difficult enough to navigate, so if you choose to go through with this, this is a good time and place to establish boundaries that will always please God first.
I know this article is old but it speaks closely to the situation I’m in. I am looking for some guidance for my fiance and I. May I contact you?
Hi, Alexa! Yes, please send an email to beingyoked@gmail.com.
Sorry, have to disagree with your sentiments. You have explained your reasons quite clearly, but seems you were at pains to justify your behaviour. Your position seems more of a compromise and making grey what has always been understood in clear an unambiguous terms. Honestly if you consider yourself to be a Christian counsellor it would have been best to keep your personal beliefs and actions to yourself instead of using your blog as a platform to justify your behaviour. I would find it very difficult to believe that a pastor who teaches the word of God accurately would agree with your interpretation of Scriptures. 1 Thessalonian 5:22 says, “Abstain from every appearance of evil”. Regardless of you and your fiancé’s keeping from sexual intercourse under the same roof, no doubt the testimony to the world was one of compromise. As you can see from the responses to your post, many feel justified in pursuing co-habitation arrangements prior to marriage and have found part of their justification in your article.
Your sentiments about sexual purity before marriage is good, but unfortunately your personal example of compromise undermines it. The subtitle, ‘The Truth about Cohabitation’ is a misnomer. It should be titled One Couples Personal Approach to Cohabitation. Research will soon show that your approach is left of the field concerning the Christian view of cohabitation, regardless of how much you attempt to self-correct with admonitions to others to keep pure.
Every person whose writings put them in a place of a communicator of God’s word ought to have higher standards for themselves than those whom they teach. Teachers will be judged more strictly (James 3:1). If in any way teachers lead people to compromise, they will have to account for that behaviour.
Society at large has always struggled with delayed gratification and abstinence. The Christian ethic in this area has always been marriage or abstinence, regardless how difficult it is to maintain these standards.
The topic is a hot one, and it could have been a good opportunity to teach on how and why the Church (as the people of God, not as an institution) have never endorsed cohabitation as a norm. For two individuals who were always accommodated independently, there is no need to move in together prior to their marriage. “I will wait for you” has always been a gift Christian husbands and wives have given to each other.
…. Pastor Brett Smitsdorff
I appreciate your comment. What I will say to defend my position is this: because of this article, people have contacted me as a counselor over the years to ask if, through my post, I would support or encourage that they live with each other prior to marriage and my answer is ALWAYS no. I can understand how my words might come off as trying to justify my actions, but they are not. My intention – and the success of this article – has always been to open up the dialogue about what it really means for a person’s salvation when they choose to live together before marriage. I chose to write about my experience to let people know that they are not alone in their struggles, for them to know that there is someone else who has faced this challenge, and has come out on the other side, salvation intact; not knowing me or my sarcastic sense of humor makes it easy to misinterpret my voice behind a computer screen. This is not a black and white issue in the details, but it is in the concurrent theme – that whatever decision a person makes, their salvation is what matters the most. As for the “avoiding the appearance of evil” I feel like that is the point of the entire article. We can avoid the appearance of evil by visiting our significant other, engaging in sinful activities, and going back to our respective dwellings. This is part of the reason why it is so scandalous when sin is revealed in our church leadership. People are revealed to have been sinning, while avoiding the appearance of evil. No matter what we hide from the public eye, God knows our hearts and our darkest secrets. Regardless of if the sin is fornication, embezzlement, hate mongering, or dissension, appearing to be holy is more destructive than people would like to admit. But I will admit this, that after a recent consultation, I will be creating more content that addresses your shared concerns and take the opportunity to speak more in depth about this situation and go further than this one article.
Hay. I would like to, out of agape love, ask you to please read Titus 2:7-8.
Titus 2:7-8 “In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us.”
Thank you for mentioning this scripture. I proudly say that I am a Titus 2 woman. Part of setting an example is to not pretend that we are perfect and without sin. I didn’t live with my boyfriend for the majority of our relationship but we still had premarital sex. The point of this post is that your living arrangement is a moot point if your heart is not right. You don’t have to live with a person to commit sin. People are so focused on the appearance of sin and appearing to be holy and righteous that they don’t take the time to examine their inner workings and what they’re doing behind closed doors. It is not lost on me that a lot of people do not like the title of this article or what I appear to be saying. God knows the message in it. He has allowed me to use a hot topic to address people’s questions about what they can and cannot get away with. I can tell you that of the dozens of people who have contacted me over the years to ask about what God would have them to do, I have never encouraged a single one of them to live together before marriage. But the conversation allowed me to direct them to do what is best for their salvation. That they should maintain purity until marriage and to remove themselves from a situation that would jeopardize their salvation.
So, yes, my teaching shows seriousness, integrity, and soundness of speech. You can only show these things when you’re willing to open the doors to difficult conversations.
This is very timely for me and I regret living in with my boyfriend. I thought it’s just fine to stay on same roof together since we have plans on getting married someday. But whenever I compromised my purity by giving in to temptation , I always regret and feel condemned or guilty ,I know I’m sinning against God but I always turn my blind eye and I just believe that it won’t happen again,but then it always happen. I prayed to God that this needs to be stopped because I felt tortured everyday whenever I see my boyfriend living like nothing’s wrong .(He’s not christian.) I decided to end our live in relationship ,I know it cost us heartbreaks and our plans for the future . As a christian, I blame myself for agreeing at first to have this set up, and now I reap the consequences of wrong decisions. We’re both in pain, and I know it breaks us to be apart again, but whenever I think about Christ, I got to think about sanctification and living the life holy for Christ and that’s doing what is right . I just gave up this unwholesome way of relationship that condemns me everytime . My boyfriend might not understand why because he has no personal relationship with Christ yet,but I prayed for the moment when I told him that it’s enough. We may be in pain right now but I know God wants the best for us and that my boyfriend will forgive me as well.
Amen. The temporary pain of heartbreak is much easier than the eternal pain of condemnation and suffering in the absence of Christ. I know it wasn’t an easy decision, but a necessary one and your salvation is the most important thing to nurture and protect.
A woman that is not your wife is a strange woman.
“For the lips of a strange woman drop as an honeycomb, and her mouth is smoother than oil: ” – Proverbs 5:3
Why? You don’t know her.
“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD. ” – Genesis 4:1
When you know your wife you are one flesh. One flesh is sex.
“But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. 7 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; 8 And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. 9 What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. ” – Mark 10:6-9
What does the Holy Scriptures say about a strange woman?
“Hear me now therefore, O ye children, and depart not from the words of my mouth. 8 Remove thy way far from her, and come not nigh the door of her house: ” – Proverbs 5:7, 8
You cannot even come to the door of the house of a strange woman.
So there is no way you can live under the same roof.
Folks need to Repent !
Joseph was espoused to Mary, but they didn’t live together until the Angel of the Lord told him to take her for his wife.
“Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. ” – Matthew 1:18
“But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. ” – Matthew 1:20
They didn’t have sex either. But they lived together under the same roof only after they were married !
“Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife: 25 And knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS. ” – Matthew 1:24
And saying, The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel. – Mark 1:15
A man doesn’t have to live with a woman in order to have sex with her. If your heart is not set on honoring God in all circumstances, your living arrangements don’t matter in the least. Sexual purity comes from a changed heart, not a changed address.
Hi. Thanks for the article. I am not wrestling with why my fiance and I should/should not move in together, but instead would just like to better understand why the Catholic Church forbids it. I understand you may not be Catholic and may disagree with what the Church teaches but I would like to understand your viewpoint better. I know in my heart, that my fiance and I would struggle non-stop with temptations of physical intimacy in the form of sexual relations before our marriag. It would never work and it would not be a good start to our marriage. And this feeling in my heart points me to realize that it’s because I would be placing myself and my fiance in a near occasion of sin- a very thin line to walk. As I read your blog, every time you said, “if you think it could work for you” or “if you can resist the temptation”, I wondered to myself, how many people would easily be able to resist the temptation. I know you said you and your husband were able to resist the temptation of pre-martial sex, which I commend you for and I think we both can attribute that to the grace of God (I don’t mean that sarcastically, it really is something to be thankful for!). And you admitted how worried you were that you and your then-fiance would commit sin in a sexual way. So I don’t understand why then, it’s some peoples recommendation to “live together before marriage if you really can abstain” , when it’s clearly a near occasion of sin (that which places you in a situation where sin is easy to fall in to) ?? While your right, God will protect us from temptation we cannot handle, but he also asks us to guard our hearts and minds- and in marriage, we have the same obligation to our spouses. Thanks for reading this! And I hope and pray for a fruitful conversation!
I agree with your comment. There are many layers to the idea of living together before marriage. Over the years, I’ve been able to talk to people about the specifics of their situation. Some are fleeing abusive homes, some are battling homelessness, some have been coerced into a situation that they were not ready for or later regret.
I’m not Catholic and can’t definitively say why they forbid this situation. My presumption would be so that people can avoid falling into sexual temptation. But the fact that there have always been homes set up for unwed mothers to secretly give birth and their sins hidden to keep the appearance of purity is something that speaks to the heart of this article. Children born to unwed mothers in the Catholic faith; sex is happening but the concept of sexual purity is not at the forefront of the conversation.
When I talk about my personal situation, yes we were able to resist but it was the hardest thing that we’ve ever done. We’d entered into a living arrangement that wasn’t easy to get out of and not maintaining sexual purity was not an option for us. Most people can’t resist the temptation. Following that train of thought, if one is unable to resist temptation, they shouldn’t date or do anything that will allow them to be alone with another person. This is why some religions/denominations forbid anything more than holding hands prior to marriage. But the point of the article is that it is not as much about where you live, but what you do…or don’t do.
It is absolutely wrong to live with your partner before marriage. I was doing it till I read Romans 7:3. Yes it was talking about married and widowed people. But then marriage is not just about sex. Marriage is way more than sex. It is about intimacy, doing things together, becoming one in every other thing aside sex. So please dont advise people to engage in it.
For learning about your spouse behaviour is an excuse from the pit of Hell. If it is God’s will that you marry him, you can bet your last dollar that it is going to be beautif
I didn’t say that it was right to live together before marriage. I disclosed that we did it. The point of this article is that fornication before marriage is wrong, regardless of your living situation. As most do, here or anywhere else in the world, people focus on where you’re doing something rather than what you should or should not be doing. If you moved out and were still having sex with your partner, you are no less sinful because you went back to your respective corners after the act.
I humbly suggest living together is the sin, along with actual sex. The bar is set in Ephesians 5:3
“But sexual immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is proper among saints;”
Ephesians 5:3 NASB
It is not only about the individual, but the reputation of the community of believers. Living in a way that even hints at sexual immorality brings question to the character of the people involved and the community of faith. This aside, what couple would actually be able to avoid sexual temptation while living together? Most of us would agree, no one. A couple who puts themselves in tempting situations before marriage will likely do so after in a variety of ways. Boundaries matter in building trust.
I always try to steer people toward the reality of building a foundation of not leading each other into sin.
Just a few thoughts.
I agree but will hold firm in my position. Most who live together are unable to abstain from sexual sin. Avoiding the appearance of sin is a valid command but, more than the reputation amongst the community of believers, the actual actions and their impact on one’s salvation and relationship with Christ are what is most important. As a community, we tend to focus on what others think and how we appear to them, thinking we can hide the condition of our hearts and the reality of our actions. It means little for a couple to dwell apart if they are sinning together when they think no one is looking.
I absolutly loved your post. It was very insightful as I am engaged getting ready to marry in about 3-4 months. My fiance and I have been in a long distance relationship for about 4 years now (We are both saved). God purposfully separated us in different countries to learn patience. God moved me to the USA while he stayed in Canada. We are getting ready to tie the knot very soon but i have been nervous about living together a month before our wedding date. Moving in together close to the date seemed like a good idea in the beginning but now because of tempation im not so sure anymore. My finace and I agreed that we will not engage in any form of sex before marriage. But he has a tendancy to touch a lot. We have been alone on many ocassions without anything happening but I don’t know if living together for a whole month before our wedding date is wise. I think me living somewhere else would be better but there isnt anywhere I could stay. I dont have family or friends to help me and neither does my fiance. What are your thoughts??
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I think that you’re very wise to listen to the Holy Spirit in your hesitancy. There is a lot of temptation, especially getting this close to the wedding date. Do either of you have a church home where he is? If so, this is an issue that can be brought up to the leadership in the church. There should be a family that can host you for a few weeks as you prepare for the wedding. They can also help to keep you accountable in your purity efforts.
Old article but as someone who did cohabitate while engaged and did engage in a lot of premarital sex with my now husband (we were not Catholic at the time), it absolutely is a sin issue to cohabitate, yes, even if you vow not to have sex with each other until you are married. Living together is not a dress rehearsal for marriage. Living together is for married people, period, end of conversation. You leave your families and CLEAVE to each other, as per Sacred Scripture. There are other ways to discover your compatibility – it’s called courting and a year-long professionally guided marriage preparation process with your pastor. Yes, when you finally do move in together, you will have a lot to figure out and adjust to. That’s the point! You merge your lives once you have been spiritually bound in matrimony, not before! You will never discover all there is to know about your spouse by cohabitating. It is a life long journey! Please do not buy into the nonsense of the culture and lies of the devil – cohabitating does not better prepare you for marriage. In fact, your chances of experiencing an unexpected pregnancy skyrocket and your chances of disfunctional marriage also skyrocket. Don’t do it. If you are living together, unmarried, right now, consider a change before marriage. If you have concerns about your future spouse and you think “I wouldn’t have known if we didn’t live together..” I say baloney! You didn’t court well enough or do enough marriage prep. Living together before marriage is NEVER the answer. Any near occasion of sin is something to be avoided.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and my experience. While I can agree with most of your comments, the point of the post is that the sin of premarital sex has less to do with where you live before marriage than it does with the condition of your heart. People find it much easier to focus on where you live without addressing what one may or may not be doing outside the covenant of marriage. This article is a reminder for people to pay attention and keep the most important thing first, regardless of living arrangements: sexual purity.
My SO and I are living together and attending RCIA class together. He has been verbal that He never intends to marry again. I just keep praying God will change his heart. If you are not dating to marry it is a waste of time is always on my mind. This is sin correct? And the sun is living together with no intention to marry.
If he’s telling you that he has no intention to remarry, then believe him. Dating without the intention to marry is not necessarily a sin or waste of time; every relationship can teach us a lesson and help us to grow. But if you’re living with him, engaging in sex outside of marriage, and hoping these things will change his mind then you’re not only sinning but you’re robbing yourself of the things that you ask God for (marriage, grace, forgiveness, repentance, etc.) Men typically know when they want to marry someone and if they’re worth the investment. Really take the time to evaluate what you want in life and love and pray that God sends you the person He has for you.
Hello Woman of God,
I’m really moved by this especially the comments and replies. Me and my Fiance just moved to a new state. We just bought a house and are living together while planning for our wedding next year. We’ve been abstaining for 2 years now. When being told that I’m living in sin, I always respond with a comment about how long we’ve been abstaining and they really have nothing to say after other than “optics”. The problem with the correction that some spiritual leaders may have is “religion and tradition”. The sin is fornication like you stated but if you’re abstaining than there is no sin. So I encourage leaders to not rely on Traditional teachings and actually learn the word instead of condemning what your not used to.
I think the people who commented “just stay away from temptation” have never been in a romantic relationship lol! In all seriousness, it’s not as simple as “don’t live with them and you will be sexually pure.” Katherine, I really appreciate your perspective, and I had never heard someone get straight to the issue like you have! You are completely right when you say it’s all about the heart. If a couple wants to have sex, they will find a way whether they live together or not. Similarly, if a couple wants to stay pure, they will find a way whether they live together or not. Blessings, M
Thank you Mia! And blessings to you too ❤️