Here’s something controversial…I think that Christian singles should learn how to make love with their significant other before marriage.
And before you jump on my head, the above sentence says make love with, not to. Those are two entirely different situations.
So let’s talk about what love actually means. In marriage, love should not be defined as a noun. In order for a marriage to thrive, it has to be defined as a verb. Especially in covenant marriage, love has to be something that you intentionally put into action every single day. The most famous definition of love is 1 Corinthians 13. It tells you everything that love is. Love is:
- not envious
- not boastful
- it doesn’t hurt
- it isn’t selfish
- it doesn’t get angry a lot
- it doesn’t tear down
If you were to search “make love definition” you would definitely find a ton of resources on sex and sexual activity. But that’s not what you need to know right now.
3 Tips on How to Make Love Before Marriage
Patience is certainly a virtue but it’s one that is cultivated over time. When you enter into marriage, you are two people becoming one. You’re sharing the same bathroom, sink space, bed, and responsibilities to keep the house running smoothly. Where you were once used to doing everything a certain way, now there’s someone who does things differently and is getting your way. Just ask my husband how he feels about my pile of shoes by the front door…
Before you go into marriage, it will serve you well to start exercising patience with each other. What habits does your partner have that drive you up a wall? Have you actually talked to them about it or are you huffing and puffing to express your disdain, slowly tearing them in the process? We all have our flaws. We all have those annoying things that get on each other’s last nerve. But if you want to make love a prevalent presence in your home and marriage, learn to bear with one another through those things. Keep open lines of communication and learn how to express your displeasure in a way that will spur growth and closeness.
Spend Time Together
One of the biggest factors in creating a relationship that I could only have dreamed of was spending time with my boyfriend. We traveled together, went to wine tastings and food festivals together, and made it a priority to date each other. Movies were our jam! Once we got married, life got busier and busier. But we still make it a priority to spend time together.
When you’re in the dating phase and considering marriage, it’s a comfort and often a reassurance, when you spend time together. No one wants to marry someone who doesn’t want to spend time with them. What’s the point? Spending time with your significant other shows them that you have an interest in them and want to be a part of their life. Make love an active part of your routine by spending time together. Need some fresh ideas for what to do with your quality time together? Check out these options.
Become Familiar with the Art of Forgiveness
How are things in your relationship now? Do you mess up? Do they? When one person screws up, how long does the other hold a grudge? If you think it’s bad now, wait until you get married (or not.) Colossians 3:13 tells us to ” Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Learning to forgive your partner doesn’t just turn on when you say “I Do.” Just like spending time together, people don’t generally feel safe with someone who they know will hold a grudge against them or make them feel as if they’re not good enough. If he constantly leaves the toilet seat up or doesn’t help with the dishes as quickly as you would like, don’t let it drive a wedge between you. Open communication and discuss what’s bothering you and work together on ways to improve the issues. Become familiar with this action because, the longer you stay married, the more times you’re going to have to implement it.
So you thought this was about sex?
Nope…not this time.
Sex is a healthy and vital part of marriage. But it’s not all that marriage is about. Marriage is a covenant relationship. Within the body of Christ, marriage is an earthly representation of the love and sacrifice for which Jesus came and gave an example. Our marriages are meant to glorify God and build up one another. It’s a sacrificial endeavor. When vows are recited and we aspire to live up to the things that love proclaim in 1 Corinthians, we often overlook that this form of love is active. Love…agape…doesn’t just happen. We have to make love happen. We have to put love into action. If you’re looking to be married, you should start learning how to make love show up in your relationship…before you walk down the aisle.
Learn what it is that makes your partner happy. Learn what it is that makes YOU happy so that you can share it with them. Take the intentional effort to make love happen in your lives.
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Katherine is the author of Wounds to Wisdom, The Marriage Advocate, and is the voice behind Yoked, an online ministry dedicated to helping women prepare themselves to be a wife. Married to her best friend, she is living out her purpose by encouraging others to enter into covenant marriages with their eyes wide open.