So, this year is turning out to be something real extra-special. We’ve had to witness murder hornets, killer plants, volcanoes, and civil unrest; it’s all happened with a global pandemic as the background music. For months, we’ve been stuck in the house with each other and a lot of us are struggling with keeping it together; “it” being both our sanity and our marriage. While seeing a counselor is the thing that I would certainly recommend if your marriage is in trouble, the reality is that not everyone can make it to a session. Especially with social distancing guidelines being in place, couples’ counseling might not be the most viable option. You know how I feel about books. There are useful books that can help to strengthen a failing marriage.

What’s the downside to not seeing a marriage counselor?

People who see a therapist or marriage counselor often put the onus on the practitioner to improve their situation. Being unable to speak with a marriage counselor means that you will have to do much deeper work. Counseling practitioners guide their clients through their issues. Not putting ideas into their heads, but steering the conversation to draw out what’s in the heart and mind of their client.

If you are unable to see a marriage counselor, you’re going to have to work together to assess what is broken. There is no impartial 3rd party in your situation. You will be going into the fight for your marriage with your own hurts and biases leading the way. Relying on effective communication skills will be essential, so learning how to fight fair should be a priority. Fight Fair: Winning at Conflict without Losing at Love is a great tool to guide this effort. Another handy tool is the Conversation Helper Cards from my friend at Your Blissful Family. This tool kit was created to help facilitate constructive conversation in the most difficult of situations.

Useful Books to Strengthen A Failing Marriage

Not being able to see a counselor does not have to mean the demise of your covenant. Here is a list of must-read books to help save your marriage if you can’t make it to marriage counseling:

Here is a list of books that will help to turn your marriage around and bring it from the brink of destruction.

Fervent

The first thing to realize in this season is that your marriage is under attack. So we're going to start here.

One of my areas of weakness is praying. This book will help you to develop a solid prayer style by teaching you to be “serious, specific, and strategic” in your prayer life. Whether you’re petitioning God for employment, a relationship, for direction in life, or on behalf of someone else, you need to understand why we pray and how to do it.

Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage

Now You’re Speaking My Language by Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages) encourages husbands and wives to offer steadfast loyalty, forgiveness, empathy, and commitment to resolving conflict, thus encouraging each other in spiritual growth.

Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away

Millions of couples are struggling in desperate marriages. But the story doesn’t have to end there. Dr. Gary Chapman writes, “I believe that in every troubled marriage, one or both partners can take positive steps that have the potential for changing the emotional climate in their marriage.”

Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away teaches you how to:

-Recognize and reject the myths that hold you captive
-Better understand your spouse’s behavior
-Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions
-Make choices that can have a lasting, positive impact on you and your spouse

His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage

In His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses.

The Five Languages of Apology

Relationships are fragile. And whether fractured by a major incident or a minor irritation, the ensuing emotions can often feel insurmountable preventing the relationship from moving forward or the offended from moving on. In order to make things right, something more than "sorry" is needed. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas have teamed up to deliver this groundbreaking study of how we give and receive apologies. It's not just a matter of will, but it's a matter of how you say, "I'm sorry" that ultimately makes things right with those you love. This book will help you discover why certain apologies clear the path for emotional healing, reconciliation, and freedom, while others fall desperately short.

Every Marriage Is A Fixer-Upper

Bestselling authors and popular speakers Bill and Pam Farrel provide readers with a tool chest of communication skills for do–it–yourselfers who want to get the most out of their marriage. Filled with practical advice, biblical insights, and the Farrels’ trademark warmth and wit, this manual is perfect for newlyweds as well as longtime marriage partners as they turn their fixer–upper marriage into the relationship of their dreams. They show couples how to...

-strengthen the foundation of their family
-inspect their marriage for hidden weak spots
-protect their relational investment with consistent maintenance and improvement

100 Answers to 100 Questions About Loving Your Wife

As a husband, you want to be all your wife desires. You want to love her in a way that lives up to her expectations. And you will―with these ready answers to your questions about how to really love her.

100 Answers to 100 Questions About Loving Your Wife provides the insights you need to be the best husband you can be.

100 Answers to 100 Questions About Loving Your Husband is also available.

I Like You and I Love You

Do you want a healthy marriage that will thrive and grow? Enthusiastically and happily married for more than 38 years, award-winning musicians Steve and Annie Chapman offer you time-tested marriage advice based on their experiences, reading God’s Word, conducting marriage seminars, and prayer. They believe that “no marriage is perfect, but all marriages can be successful.” You can establish a great Christian marriage by implementing their key principles, including:

-creating a positive atmosphere for intimacy
-knowing what really makes your mate feel loved
-improving your communication skills
-working together to set priorities and goals
-avoiding money problems by establishing boundaries

Strengths-Based Marriage

One of the biggest obstacles to a happy, strong marriage is a lack of understanding of yourself and your spouse. With Strengths Based Marriage, MarriageToday co-founder Jimmy Evans and Gallup-trained strengths advocate Allan Kelsey give readers the tools they need to dismantle that hurdle and develop a deeper and richer relationship.

What do I need to do to save my marriage?

The most important thing to remember is that you are going to exercise a bit of humility to save your marriage. No one is going to be 100% right or wrong in this situation. Owning up to your faults before pointing out your spouse’s shortcomings is going to take hard, intentional work.

Approach conversations with “I” statements and not “you” statements. It makes a difference. Saying “you” automatically assigns blame and puts up defenses and walls. Beginning with “I” allows a person to take ownership of their emotions.

“You make me feel like…” puts a person in a defensive mindset and they’re more likely to stop listening, as they’re preparing a rebuttal.

“I feel like this when…” allows for accountability when there are two sides to the story.

What should I do if the books don’t help?

The truth of the matter is that doing this on your own might not be the best solution. If you’re finding that reading the books and working through them is just not enough, you may need to bring in some help. Seek out a local licensed therapist. Look for one who specializes in marriage; they would be listed as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT).

Know that asking for professional help is nothing to be ashamed of. Even the Bible reminds us that we are better together as a team. A wonderful Christian counseling couple can be found here.