For many years, I’ve received positive and negative responses to a post I wrote about living together before marriage. I postulated that it wasn’t inherently a sin to live with someone without being married; people have vehemently both agreed and disagreed with me.
The first thing to know is this: the Bible says nothing about living together before marriage. In the times that the Bible was written, living together before marriage wasn’t discussed because it wasn’t done. It wasn’t written for everything that might happen in the future. It was written to provide guidance on how we should conduct ourselves to be pleasing to God.
There are three main areas that are addressed in the argument of “shacking up” before (or outside of) marriage:
The Argument of Purity
The biggest argument about the sin of living with someone of the opposite sex is the issue of sexual purity. As discussed by True Love Waits, sexual purity is discussed as both attitudes and actions. “While sexual purity certainly includes abstaining from sexual intercourse until marriage, it is more than just setting limits on one’s behavior. Sexual purity is a total commitment of sexual needs, desires, thoughts and actions to God.”
When measuring the attitude of sexual purity against the action of living with someone before marriage, you have to look at 2 factors:
- abstinence from the act of engaging in sexual behaviors and
- giving your lustful thoughts and desires over to God when they do come.
But don’t be fooled into thinking that you will only have those thoughts if you cohabitate. The test of purity exists regardless of your living arrangements.
Verses About Purity
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.” 1 Corinthians 6:18
“Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two will become one flesh.'” 1 Corinthians 6:16
“Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,” Galatians 5:19
“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
“Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:1-2
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor,” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4
“But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” 1 Corinthians 7:9
The Argument of Setting a Good Example
I recently discovered that, while we were engaged, my husband was confronted by the elders and leaders of our church. They’d found out that we were having sex without being married.
Ok, so that’s not true but it speaks to the point of this section. Yes, we were living together. No, we weren’t having sex. I know, I know…who does that? No one is strong enough to live with a partner and actually wait until they are married to have sex!
We actually abstained while being engaged and living together. As I’ve come to learn over the years, the truth matters very little when there are preconceived notions. And when it comes to ministry, perception matters. Granted, this situation opened the doors to a lot of conversations about inward heart and outward appearances.
But while he was being laid bare before the leadership, he responded by affirming that we were not having sex. That we had accountability partners for the sole purpose of verifying that we were not fornicating. Being able to answer that we were honoring God with our bodies was not enough. The only response was that “it just doesn’t look good.”
And that’s fair.
Being a leader in ministry is about appearances. Those appearances have to be a reflection of the inner workings of the heart, manifested through the grace of the Holy Spirit. The biggest proponents…and opponents…of the Gospel can be what people see…and what they think they see.
Verses About What Others May Think
“But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.” Ephesians 5:3
“Therefore (a leader) must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,” 1 Timothy 3:2
“For we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord’s sight but also in the sight of man.” 2 Corinthians 8:21
“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.” Proverbs 14:12
The Heart of the Matter
Growing up, mom would always say “What’s done in the dark will come to the light…”
I really didn’t understand what she was talking about; I wondered what the big deal was about turning on the light switch. As I got older, this verse cleared up my concerns. As it applies to living out a Christian life, we have to know that all things will be revealed…on this side of Heaven or the next.
When things are revealed while on Earth…fornication, adultery, drugs, emotional and physical abuse, hate, harming children…it’s devastating to our communities. It’s even destroyed entire church communities and ministries. Doing things in the dark and having a spotlight shone on them does much more to extinguish the light of Christ than any unbeliever could ever do.
But it’s not enough to just “look” the part. We have to have a heart transplant, replacing our sin-soaked ways with the transplanted saving grace given to us through the sacrificial cross.
And I’ll share this disclaimer: while I personally lived with my husband before we were married, it’s not something that I recommend for others. But I’m also a realist. Many people who reach out to me about their living situation are dealing with abusive households and homelessness; they are existing in fear and out of other options. For those who feel like they have to live with their partner, it’s a matter of the heart. No matter what others can or cannot see, God really does know your heart, and that…along with your actions… is what you’ll answer for.
Verses About the Heart
“But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin, when it is fully grown, brings forth death.” James 1:14-15
“For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality;” 1 Thessalonians 5:3
“Abstain from every form of evil.” 1 Thessalonians 5:22
“For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” Mark 7:21-23
“Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?” 1 Corinthians 3:16
“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:1-2
“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!” 1 Chronicles 16:11
Still Got Questions?
Contrary to popular belief, I’ve never advocated for someone to live with a person of the opposite sex if they are unmarried. The temptation is often too great. But I’m a realist and privy to conversations that are shared on this site. People often find themselves in living arrangements that are aligned with the way that God would have us to live. But what I will continue to defend is this:
Your salvation and purity is not relegated to your living arrangements.
Whether you live with someone of the opposite sex or not, God expects you to live in accordance with His will for your life. Age and life experience does not provide any exceptions to that rule.
If you enjoyed this, you may also like:
What Does the Bible Say About Living Together Before Marriage?
Living Together is Not the Sin
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