In November 2011, I finally moved my tassel from Miss to Mrs. I was blessed to be able to marry the love of my life…the one whom my soul truly loves. We were so excited about everything that was ahead of us and were ready to begin our lives together. We’d talked about a lot of things before we got married…careers, family, finances, our new home, church. The conversation about family was one of the more interesting ones. My husband always had a heart for kids and was truly convicted on the issue of adoption. We have a lot of commandments in the Bible and there’s one in particular where James told the people that the purest form of religion was to take care of orphans and widows {James 1:27.}
We knew that there were lots of kids, especially in our state, who needed loving families and safe homes, so we promised God {and each other} that we would make adoption part of our family model. We also decided that we would wait a year to try to have kids so that we could get used to being together as the “one flesh.”
In November 2012, we went to another state to celebrate our first anniversary. I couldn’t believe how nervous I was because I knew that this was it… As our one-year timeline was ended, we were excited to finally begin working on our family. I couldn’t wait to rub my little baby bump!
I got my period in Dec 2012. No worries, sometimes it takes a few attempts. January…February…March 2013. Hmm…
Month after month, our optimism was decreasing. Every time that I got my cycle, I got more and more frustrated. Every month, I had an emotional meltdown, feeling like I was a failure at something that should be so simple and easy, if only because I wanted it more than anything.
By December 2013, I told my husband that I thought he should see a doctor and get checked out. He went in for multiple rounds of testing. While we were waiting for the results, the nurse suggested that I get checked out since I was already there. I hopped up on the table for an internal ultrasound and she remarked that she couldn’t find my ovaries.
After all was said and done, I needed to have surgery and the doctors said that my husband had a slim-to-none chance of impregnating me. The medical alternatives weren’t even a viable option for us.
I did research about it and found that, even though infertility is becoming increasingly more common with couples, it’s a major cause for divorce. Because we’d talked about adoption, we still had hope that we’d be parents one day and we weren’t going to break up over it…but it certainly didn’t hurt any less.
My family, friends, and even strangers spend a lot of time making assumptions about my marriage and my womanhood. In my graduate school class, a statistic was presented that couples who don’t have children choose not to have them because they are more concerned with their careers and don’t feel like have children is a matter of importance. This conversation just reinforced the idea that pregnancy and child-bearing is often taken for granted by those who would never imagine finding themselves struggling with it.
I know that I never thought I would be here.
This is such a tender spot for me and, even though I can discuss it, it still hurts. If this is an issue that you’re struggling with, I just want to take a few moments to encourage you.
you should Remember That God Sows Seeds in the Fertile Grounds of Faith
One of the greatest things that I’ve been reminded of in our struggle with infertility is that God is in control. After listening to the doctors repeatedly tell us that we will never bear children, I began to forget about the awesome power of God. It’s so easy to do when those voices are constantly in your ear, telling you that there is nothing that doctors can do for you. It’s easy to think that man has the final say on something that is always ordained by God.
“Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.’ ” {Matthew 19:26} You have to trust in God that He will do what He says what He will do…and be willing to listen to what He says without listening for what we want to hear.
you should Remember That God Grows the Seeds in the Way That He Wants Them to Grow
Because my husband and I discussed adoption prior to marriage, we knew that our family was going to look a little different. We always wanted “bonus” children but we weren’t exactly counting on those being our only children. In addition to remembering that God is in control, I had to be reminded that our lives are going to work out according to His plan. Proverbs 16:9 says, “The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.” We had to adjust our plans a little.
TRANSLATION: We had to learn to stop trying to tell God how He was gonna do what He intended to do.
God has no problem giving you the desires of your heart when they fall in line with His plan. If you are struggling with infertility, be humble in understanding that motherhood may not come in the way that you want it, but it’s possible. Giving birth doesn’t always make a woman a mother. Not giving birth doesn’t make you any less of a mother.
Be encouraged. Even if it’s not in His plan for you to be a mother or a parent, you still have a purpose here. Parenthood is not the end. Just as we tell singles that they have to continue to serve in their singleness, we have to continue to serve in our childlessness. We work where and when we are at this moment; we live and serve in the gift of the present.
You should remember that you are not alone
Statistics report that 1 in 8 couples are struggling with infertility. It affects just as many women as men, and the situation is more difficult when both partners are having medical issues, which is where we fall in the struggle we are enduring.
Watch my YouTube video on our infertility struggle and learn about how we’re coping with it every day.
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