I’ve been in some crappy relationships. Once I realized they were crappy, I made the decision to stay. I can’t even pretend that I don’t know why I did it because, even in the moment, I knew that I was justifying my decision + subsequent behavior.
As breakups happen, there just has to be a breakup song to accompany it. My generation is all too familiar with Boyz II Men and their song “End of the Road.” I know I’ve heard that ballad many a school night with my friends who were devastated over the love of their life leaving them.
…in the 5th grade…
I, on the other hand, didn’t really experience the power of a breakup song until I was in my late 20s. I’ve been a huge Dave Matthews Band fan since a chance encounter with their artistry on a college road trip to Florida. I was immediately in love and wanted to listen to anything they’d ever put out into the universe. I wanted to be their groupie. They introduced me to a whole new world…not the flying carpet kind, but with the type of music I’d only previously known Alanis Morrisette to make.
There was one particular song that I loved. I would belt out the lyrics and dance to the melody. The music made everything in me move. And then one day, as I actually listened to the words I was singing, I realized it was really over. Dave Matthews told me to walk away from the man I loved. Stay or Leave became my break up song.
I’d been dating this guy, off and on, for almost 4 years. We were great friends, we got along with each other’s friends and we made a great couple. I was pretty close with some of his family members, but the ones who counted the most, they didn’t want us to be together. We loved each other so much that we knew we could fight through anything and make it.
Yes, we fought…but against the wrong people. We fought each other because I thought that he should handle these family members one way and he felt the exact opposite.
“Stay or Leave…I want you not to go, but you should. It was good, as good goes…” I knew that we’d hit our peak. It was hard for me to realize that this relationship was only for a season. As I got older + wiser, I was able to look back and see the reason that he was in my life. He was there to help grow me. I didn’t know it at the time and it literally took years for me to see it. I grew a backbone when I was with him. When we started dating, I’d recently gotten out of an abusive relationship and I’d had enough. I knew that I was unwilling to tolerate things that would cause me to love myself any less. It was hard to know that he wasn’t my forever but that relationship helped me to decide how and with whom I wanted to spend a lifetime. I’d forgotten about Ecclesiastes 3:1 which says “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens…”
“Remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me…” All of our friends loved and admired us. They wanted to have a relationship just like ours. They knew we would make it + get married one day and they had our backs. They supported us and fought for us to be together. They didn’t know that I was slowly dying on the inside. They didn’t know that he was being torn in two directions, having to choose between me and his family. They didn’t know the hurts that we’d committed against each other. We both got to the point that we were fighting to be together, but only because it was others expected of us. We didn’t really want to be together, but we were too afraid to tell the other person to get lost. Proverbs 18:21 still says “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof…” and boy did we say some things to kill our relationship. The worst part of it all? We meant it.
“You used to laugh under the covers, but not so often now…” Toward the end of the relationship, I realized that I was settling. We’d been together for so long that we were comfortable with each other. I knew him and he knew me…and I was afraid to be alone. I was unhappy, but I thought it better to be sad than to be satisfied with who I was and with whom I spent my life. I was willing to sacrifice the spiritual and emotional connection that I needed + deserved for the physical connection that was right in front of me. There was no way that I could be with this person for so long and it was not meant to be. “I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4 I stopped worrying about “what-if” and saying “but, maybe…” and walked away.
It took me 4 years to realize that we should actually end it. It took me another 3 years {and many disastrous rebound relationships} to completely get over him…to find the security in my heart to know that it would be ok.
And it {I} turned out to be more than ok.
It’s hard to look back and say that I would have done things differently, ONLY because my past is the reason for where I am in my present. But I can look back and say that I had many reasons to leave much sooner than when I did…
Because of the seriousness of a Yoked relationship, knowing why you’re in it is just as important as the reason that you decide to stay in it. The most important thing to remember is that in marriage, you’re entering into a covenant with that other person and with God. If you have reservations about that, then you need to take a few moments to really look at your “why” before you decide to stay or leave.
<3 Katherine
This really touched me. It’s my story and probably a lot of other women’s story. Thank you for sharing this.
You’re welcome! I’m glad that you were able to hear it. It’s the story that so many of us share and is a hard one to live, but coming out on the other side wiser and stronger is a testament in itself. Be blessed!